And she's Off!

I have spent the last 18 years of my life focused on a few things, keeping myself happy, keeping my business afloat, and most importantly trying to give my daughter the best life possible. Madison means the world to me. She always has and she always will. She was born two months early, and I always felt cheated by God for not being there with her from the second she entered the planet. I remember racing down to the hospital upon hearing the wife was having the baby early, and not making it in time. It was less than an hour, but it was an eternity to me.

From the beginning she has been super special. She is an amazing child and somehow got the best traits from both me and her mother without picking up our faults. She has been nothing but pure pleasure from day one, and has given me the ultimate understanding of how rewarding it is to be a father. As she grew older I came to realize that there would be a day I had to let her go and experience the world for herself. As the days grew closer the pain grew more and more. It affected my relationships, my desires to further myself financially, my levels of training for tennis, and endless other attributes. All I could think of is how can I spend more time with her and make sure she has everything to succeed in life. I helped coach her tennis team in high school, I made probably 90% of her performances in all her extra curricular activities, and always felt I was involved in her life.

After graduation I knew the time was soon ready to rear its ugly head and scoop her away from me. I long ago knew her plans to go off to OSU and I soon knew the date, and then even came to know the exact time. As the time grew nearer and nearer, the confusion as to my feelings begin to change, and I would of never guessed it. I soon became excited to think of all the new opportunities she is going to get to experience. They truly are endless. Well now the time hit. 1pm(ish lol) on Sunday September 18, 2011, my daughter moved into her dorm room with her best friend. Her mom, stepdad, and myself were all there to help the move. We carried boxes, made her bed, even put away a few bags of groceries, and then said our goodbyes. I thought for sure I would never be able to hold back the tears, but I knew she was about to get her chance to shine. It truly is for the better. It is a part of life, it is exactly what I have always wanted for my girl. We hugged, turned around and I walked out the door.

Afterwards the ex and her husband and myself went to go have a few drinks and calm the nerves I suppose. I am not sure it worked for any of us as I think we all share different feelings. For myself, I lost an appendage, for the ex I think she lost the glue the holds her "new life" together and for the stepdad, I am not sure there really is a difference. However, all in all I left in peace.

When I got home I took a shower, grabbed three beers at sat down to begin writing. I almost made it to the second sentence before the tears started flowing. They have continued since, and I am pretty sure they will be there until I fall asleep tonight. Fortunately I feel they are not just tears of pain, but also tears of joy for her new adventure. I am truly happy for her and the last thing I would ever want is for her to feel bad about what is going on inside me. I know my girl worries about me, but I guarantee her I will be okay.

Our children are our lives. The moment they arrive on this planet is the moment we decide to make it about them. In this world I am witnessing more and more people making horrible parenting decisions that will lead to future problems. Perhaps I was spoiled. I feel my mother was and still is the most incredible mother anyone could have and my life has been blessed because of her decisions. I feel Madisons mother is in the same boat. While her and I never really formed a great chemistry bond, I have always felt she was a great mother. For that I am so thankful. I never worried about my girl when she went to her moms house. Anymore, not a lot of kids are blessed with two loving parents.

So the question now becomes what happens with my life. I have struggled with it for a while. I am at peace with myself, my decision making process, and am pretty sure I know what to expect from myself. It is simple. I am still a father, perhaps just not as often. There are no more request to go to sleep now, or stay focused comments, or put the game down requests. For now, it is just help when she requests it and let her live her life. I am close I will be there anyway I can, but it is her life. Personally I will step up my tennis training, workout schedule, and keep more on top of my business. I will write a little more and spend a lot more time volunteering for Solv and Hands on Portland. I will attempt to help others a little more than before, and will still help coach the Gresham Tennis team. I will always do my best to make the world a better place and just go from there. I will take better care of myself mentally and physically. This past year I took a few knocks to the soul at the hands of relationships, and vow to spend more time with those to whom I feel being with actually makes a difference in their lives. Fortunately there are no shortages of ways to make a difference out there, so I will be busy for quite a while. I WILL BE OKAY.

One final note, in case you read this Madison.......

I just want you to know how much I love you, how proud I am of the woman you have become, and how excited I am to get to see you take on your own life. You will do amazing and will continue to be an amazing person. That is all I have ever asked of you. Oh, and please understand I will take incredible care of myself because the thought of you stressing over me, or worrying about my future hurts enough to ensure I will always try my hardest. I will still make my occasional stupid decisions, and sometimes be riskier than I should, but that is just who I am. Once again. Go make a difference, and

I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH:)