My wish List!

I debated writing tonight, because I already wrote a little on Facebook for my business, and I wrote a lengthy letter to a friend who needed a little encouragement. I really feel no huge need to write about anything except the current "grievance" I filed as a coach in tennis against a player who I consider "crossed" the proverbial line. In life we all walk the fine line from time to time, however, he flat out crossed it, then stamped his mark on the other side. I will not go into details because it would bore the living heck out of anyone who reads this(unless you are in my league). Enough of that. Instead I decided to write my short term wish list for society and for myself. The following list are things that I wish for in my life, some are tangible items, some are more goal oriented and others are flat out fantasies. However, all would bring an extrra ounce of joy to me. 1. I need another Prince Speedport Black longbody tennis racket. Prince discontinued it, but I really liked it. 2. I would love to see my daughter less buried in homework and more buried in enjoying her senior year, 3. I would love to have a little extra money to tighten the security for my business. 4. I would love to see the government stop giving away so much money to undeserving people. 5. I would love for the rain to go away for two weeks so my daughter could make up all her tennis teams matches. 6. I would love to see less geocaches being published in and around Gresham, and more actually maintained. 7. I would love to be caught up in paperwork. 8. I would love to know deep down inside that more people are positively affected by my words, than people who simply use me for the ability to continue not being responsible. 9. I would love to have more deeper conversations around a fire and a few beers with a wider variety of people. 10. I would love to see more parents focus on their children and less on themselves. 11. I would love to spend a day in a coffee shop and just listen to people talk about life, and not have to have any responsibilities for the day. 12. I would love to spend a day hiking in the morning, eating in the afternoon, and relaxing by a fire all night..............without a phone!!! 13. I would love to see Video Poker outlawed in the State of Oregon! 14. I would love to spend a day exchanging massages, eating, napping by a fire, and watching a showtime or HBO series. FROM SUN UP to SUNDOWN...then sleep all night 15. I would love to get a group of people together to clean all the side streets in Gresham. Pick up the trash and cut all the intrusive berry vines. 16. I would love to go to the coast and walk as far as I could along the coastline until I was to tired to walk anymore and stay the night wherever I finished. 17. I would love to watch my daughter play a set of tennis in singles and pull off a huge upset. 18. I would love to write knowing there were no repercussions down the road for words I said. 19. I would love to work open to close one day at my store and not get asked to loan someone money. 20. Finally, I would like to thank a certain someone for unconciously convincing me to start back writing. Her words are the only ones I have read in a long time that convey what I feel this experience should be like. I never cared if I had 1 million views or 1 view, however, I do wish to feel someone either is gaining something from my words, or has words that convey something to me. You do a great job at managing my virtual world. We as humans all have our lives, we cross different planes, some physical, some emotional, and some through words. Thank You, you know who you are!!!!!

Dark and Deep!!!!

So I personally feel most people have something that really bothers them deep down. Some go to counseling, some bury it deep, and some just go postal. One of my big "issues" in life is one that I pretty much just buried. It mentally surfaces often, however, it really doesn't affect my outlook on things much anymore. I have dealt with it, I have accepted it for the most part, and I have learned tremendously from it. I hate retelling a story, but I must for the sake of myself. Life is full of what if's and always will be. I apologize in advance for perhaps getting a little dark here, but as always this is my outlet. Years ago when I was in junior high school, I came home from school one day and found that my house was broken into and only my stuff was stolen. I was all alone and as realization kicked in as to who it was the pain began. My best friend from Kindergarten to seventh grade had moved to Alaska, and proceeded to start doing drugs. He came back to California, hung around my neighborhood for a bit, then broke into a few of the houses on the streets. This including stealing Christmas presents. I was in total disbelief that he could of done this to me. Everyone else seemed plausible, but not to his best friend. I never saw him again. Over the years I have googled him endlessly waiting to see something hardcore happen to him. I envisioned jail for armed robbery, or something of that nature. Growing up he had a father who, to put it politely, was not a very nice man. I used to get sent home by his mother when he came home drunk because she knew the violence would soon begin. I always felt he never had a fair shot at a good life, but at the same time, I never thought I would be a victim because of it. As time when on in life, I processed this event in different ways. I came to accept it as my learning of the true demon that drugs can be. I believe they lead to irrational behavior, immoral decisions, and worst of all, a deterioration of both ones brain and soul. I have come to be thankful at times for this event, and at times I have been bitter for the lack of trust in mankind because of it. Either way I always wondered deep down how I would feel if I ever crossed his path again. Well a few weeks ago, almost 30 years later I get home and find a friend request on Facebook from him. I think of what to do for a short while, and decided to accept. We chat for a while about how our lives have been for a night and nothing since. I never said anything about the event. It is possible he has no clue I even know, it is possible he doesn't even remember it because he was so drugged out, and it is possible it has been on his conscious for years and he was "feeling me out" to see if any anomosity was there. You see at this point there is no reason to address it. The damage is done, the property is long gone, and nothing he could say or do would change anything. At times I have wanted to thank him, and at times I have wanted the pleasure of knowing karma bit him in the rear. However, at this time, I am going to stick with the following statement. Life is filled with amazingly pleasurable moments, and life is filled with absolutely painful moments. It is how we process each of these that defines who we are. As the years have gone by, I have had a gun pressed into my neck in an armed robbery, I have had knives pulled on me twice, I have had a clerk murdered, and endless smaller yet painful events. At the same time I was married to a wonderful woman for a while, I have an amazing daughter, and I have been blessed with an incredible pair of genes. I have an amazing life, I am surrounded by wonderful people, and more than anything I understand that no matter what happens to me, this world has a lot of people, especially my daughter, whom I can bring joy to their lives. For me to dwell on any one event, or for me to give up on society would be a true shame...Something I consider far more detrimental than any one little break-in!!!!!

Today as a reference to the future

Today is Sunday which represents the end of my weekend. For the most part I don't care whether it is a weekday or a weekend. The main difference in my eyes is I don't have to worry about my bank balance or what checks will clear. You see on the weekends the business world gets to take a fiscal time out. However, when Monday rolls back around all the transactions will catch back up. Silly way to look at it, but it long ago became my world. My business life is very routine, my weekend life is very carefree. Today was a great example of that.
After spending about an hour at urgent care with my daughter, we went to pick up her best friend. While on our way there, a new geocache popped up about 5 miles away. I figured we might have a good shot at being the first to it considering it was up in the hills away from the metro area. We picked her up and went on our way. I enjoy the rush of hoping to be the first considering there are hundreds of locals all fighting for the same coveted first to find. On our way my daughter tells me it is .6 miles southeast from where we are at. She is the navigator, I am at the wheel. While traveling faster than I should I take a right turn and start to head west. I realize my mistake pretty quicklike and whip a u-turn to get back on track. The thought now occurs, what if that brief mistake was just enough to allow someone else to get the coveted first to find. I can only hope and continue to backtrack. We finally arrive at ground zero, only to see an older couple already looking for it. Darn, they got a great head start. I blew it.
So we got out of the car and begin searching the same area knowing that is where it had to be. We searched as a group for quite a while, two of them and three of us. This continued for about 10 minutes when all of a sudden my daughters friend yells out, " I found it!" Wow, we got the first to find after all. I could not ask for a better scenario.
Often I fight with my role as a parent. The right move was to probably take the two kids home to start their study time and skip trying to be the first to find. Unfortunately, I firmly believe todays kids need a break from the everyday stresses to maintain sanity. I feel good about my decision, and also think both girls will remember this day for quite a while. Who really knows which decision was right. The one thing I do know, is I find myself becoming more selfish in the making memories departments with my kid and her friends because I know when they go off to college in a few months these will become few and far between. I just wanted to say I had an absolutely wonderful day with both of them, and hope they always remember this.

Catching up and starting over (I suppose)

So, I decided to start writing again. I know, who really cares. I stopped for a few reasons. First of all, it was used against me in my last relationship. Perhaps by words not being on paper, they are easier to consider the past. However, when they are logged into a permanant blog they are no longer history. They are forever attached to you. Fair enough, I never really thought about it, and never cared enough to worry about future ramifications. Unfortunately in todays world, people seem inclined to use the internet to dig up any information possible to make someone appear less desirable. If anyone has read my stuff, it is safe to say I fall way down the list on parents lists for a possible mate for their kid. OH WELL. life will go on.
Seeing as to how I had blogs on numerous sites, I wasn't sure where to start. I don't care for a following, it makes no difference if anyone ever reads it or not, and the true fact of the matter is is gives me a sense of inner peace that is found nowhere else other than a tennis court perhaps.
So I begin. I don't even know where to start other than the fact that I know I will have blogs for quite a while. One of the main reasons I started was due to reading the blogs of one of my customers. She knows who she is and I consider her to be a great writer, mother, and human being. The sad part of this statement is I don't know many people who fulfill all three of those traits. Well her deep thoughts made me realize what I gave up for no good reason. We all have areas in our life that we will forever fight with. Mine is my value system. I can deal with a lot of crap. I can look past some seriously gnarley flaws, but there is one thing I can not stand, and this appears to be my achilles heel. Parenting.....simple enough there is no thing on this planet more important or sacred to me. I am nearing the end of my daughters childhood and bracing myself for her to go off to college.
My girl was accepted to Oregon State University and will be attending the College of Engineering(fancy term for higher tuition). She plans on majoring in Ecological Engineering and living on campus in the dorms. I am forever proud of all of her accomplishments despite being diabetic since 6 years old, having divorced parents, and having a father who does not set the best examples. I raised her with the do as I say, not as I do mentality. It isn't the best, but when combined with an neverending dedication to be there every time she needed me, I think she will be okay in life. It is not her I worry about, it is myself.
I live with a sense of inner peace acquired from keeping things to myself. Somehow this works. Too often society frowns upon, or requires explanations for my strange ways. On a daily basis I meditate, pick up litter on the side of the road, and do a few other things that I feel benefit society as a whole. It has to be about giving back to the world, whether through your child, nature or others. When my girl leaves to college, I feel my parenting job isn't even close to being done. I will still be there when needed, however, the distance will be a lot further. I am both excited for her, and scared for myself. I will write more, help others more, probably play more tennis, but most importantly, I will learn try to maintain my soul. Possibly for the first time in my life, I felt it crumble these last few years, and I have some rebuilding to do. Bear with me whoever reads this, and know that no matter what I say........I always mean well.
Peace to a new beginning!!
Rudd