I have no Effing Clue!

I realize it has been a really long time since I wrote my last blog, and I really thought I would be better about that. I would love to throw out a whole list of excuses, but it still leaves the last month and a half pages blank. However, I will throw a few thoughts out regarding this. First of all, I am really confused as to what this is supposed to be about. My initial intention was too futher communicate to all the store peoples my various rants and thoughts in general. Somehow I branched off quite a bit making it far more personal than I intended. My general audience is very spread out from relatives to customers, to people googling certain words and continuing to read it after discovering it. I realize so much of what I write only interests a certain segment of readers, so I tried to mix it up. Then I found it hard to write about certain things because I knew what emotion it would bring out to the wrong person. Everyone seems to arrive at their own interpretation or desire to believe what it was I was really saying. Sadly, and I realize it is all my fault, this led to a constant procrastination. For this reason, I am only going to write what I want to write and I'll just hear out the comments and live with it. As I get older and possibly more jaded by society I discover myself caring less and less about others opinions concerning how I lead my life.
I am real aware that for the most part I am considered your proverbial nice guy. I have always gone out of my way to make others lives more comfortable doing so in a manner which minimizes what I did. I don't want or care for recognition, I only really want the knowledge in my mind that what I did or have done made a difference in that persons life. Whether they realize it or anyone else ever does really doesn't matter.
Part of the reason I have become jaded at the integrity, morals, and general nature of mankind is what I see and deal with on a daily basis. Don't get me wrong, I truly love my world. It's how others behave in my world that upsets me. Watching what society gets away with on a daily basis sickens me. Knowing how I live my life makes me a "better person," yet seeing the results of everyone else making their own rules and living the high life because of it gets real old.
Certain sayings scream in my ears all day long and will until the day I day. "Nice guys finish last" has to be the most painful of them all. So often I wish I could just break free of my paranoia of setting a bad example for my daughter or having my actions adversely affect others lives.
I hate understanding how the game is played, but not being willing to play it myself... I often live vicariously through others, sharing their excitement listening to the intense stories, and then finish my night sorting coupons, or doing paperwork or something pretty darn mundane.
Now that I have that off my chest I will say a few thank you's for some jestures of the past month. Names ommitted but it somehow always seems to get back to them. Many acts are actually by the same people but I will list them separately to psychologically lead myself to believe the acts are virtually endless..
I truly appreciate it when someone brings me breakfast sandwiches from McDonalds. Easily that tops my list for kindness. I appreciate all who bring back empty packs of cigs for my ceiling, I am thankful for the many girls who upheld the tradition of Mardi Gras. Especially Coors light 12 pak can girl(name withheld for respect), I appreciate the lady who actually picked up her cigarette off the ground after I told her how classy that is. I know it would have been easier to drive off with an attitude. I appreciate those who take a minute to tell me about their life or something that happened recently. I think I appreciate the girl who keeps telling me she left a Christmas present for me at home and swears she will bring it next time(unfortunately I forgave my right to an opinion on procrastination after going over a month without writing.)
I appreciate patience dearly. I know I can talk longer than I should to certain people, and it really hurts to be the car behind them. I think, all in all, my greatest appreciation will come from those who understand what my store really is about. I see it, I realize it, and most of all it makes all I do so much easier.
Last thought on this blog will be a little darker. I never have understood how certain occupatons ever find employees. Morticians, hazmat clean-up crew, crime scene clean-up, etc.
However, I really have it easy when it comes to what I do. Recently while cleaning up blood from an incident at the store I realized a few sad thoughts. One it no longer fazes me. It really now feels the same as a coffee spill. Two it's a lot easier cleaning blood from someone you don't know than from an employees, and three no matter how much you clean it up, you always find some you missed later on. Anyway I think I will end on that note. As always I have to be up in a few hours.