And she's Off!

I have spent the last 18 years of my life focused on a few things, keeping myself happy, keeping my business afloat, and most importantly trying to give my daughter the best life possible. Madison means the world to me. She always has and she always will. She was born two months early, and I always felt cheated by God for not being there with her from the second she entered the planet. I remember racing down to the hospital upon hearing the wife was having the baby early, and not making it in time. It was less than an hour, but it was an eternity to me.

From the beginning she has been super special. She is an amazing child and somehow got the best traits from both me and her mother without picking up our faults. She has been nothing but pure pleasure from day one, and has given me the ultimate understanding of how rewarding it is to be a father. As she grew older I came to realize that there would be a day I had to let her go and experience the world for herself. As the days grew closer the pain grew more and more. It affected my relationships, my desires to further myself financially, my levels of training for tennis, and endless other attributes. All I could think of is how can I spend more time with her and make sure she has everything to succeed in life. I helped coach her tennis team in high school, I made probably 90% of her performances in all her extra curricular activities, and always felt I was involved in her life.

After graduation I knew the time was soon ready to rear its ugly head and scoop her away from me. I long ago knew her plans to go off to OSU and I soon knew the date, and then even came to know the exact time. As the time grew nearer and nearer, the confusion as to my feelings begin to change, and I would of never guessed it. I soon became excited to think of all the new opportunities she is going to get to experience. They truly are endless. Well now the time hit. 1pm(ish lol) on Sunday September 18, 2011, my daughter moved into her dorm room with her best friend. Her mom, stepdad, and myself were all there to help the move. We carried boxes, made her bed, even put away a few bags of groceries, and then said our goodbyes. I thought for sure I would never be able to hold back the tears, but I knew she was about to get her chance to shine. It truly is for the better. It is a part of life, it is exactly what I have always wanted for my girl. We hugged, turned around and I walked out the door.

Afterwards the ex and her husband and myself went to go have a few drinks and calm the nerves I suppose. I am not sure it worked for any of us as I think we all share different feelings. For myself, I lost an appendage, for the ex I think she lost the glue the holds her "new life" together and for the stepdad, I am not sure there really is a difference. However, all in all I left in peace.

When I got home I took a shower, grabbed three beers at sat down to begin writing. I almost made it to the second sentence before the tears started flowing. They have continued since, and I am pretty sure they will be there until I fall asleep tonight. Fortunately I feel they are not just tears of pain, but also tears of joy for her new adventure. I am truly happy for her and the last thing I would ever want is for her to feel bad about what is going on inside me. I know my girl worries about me, but I guarantee her I will be okay.

Our children are our lives. The moment they arrive on this planet is the moment we decide to make it about them. In this world I am witnessing more and more people making horrible parenting decisions that will lead to future problems. Perhaps I was spoiled. I feel my mother was and still is the most incredible mother anyone could have and my life has been blessed because of her decisions. I feel Madisons mother is in the same boat. While her and I never really formed a great chemistry bond, I have always felt she was a great mother. For that I am so thankful. I never worried about my girl when she went to her moms house. Anymore, not a lot of kids are blessed with two loving parents.

So the question now becomes what happens with my life. I have struggled with it for a while. I am at peace with myself, my decision making process, and am pretty sure I know what to expect from myself. It is simple. I am still a father, perhaps just not as often. There are no more request to go to sleep now, or stay focused comments, or put the game down requests. For now, it is just help when she requests it and let her live her life. I am close I will be there anyway I can, but it is her life. Personally I will step up my tennis training, workout schedule, and keep more on top of my business. I will write a little more and spend a lot more time volunteering for Solv and Hands on Portland. I will attempt to help others a little more than before, and will still help coach the Gresham Tennis team. I will always do my best to make the world a better place and just go from there. I will take better care of myself mentally and physically. This past year I took a few knocks to the soul at the hands of relationships, and vow to spend more time with those to whom I feel being with actually makes a difference in their lives. Fortunately there are no shortages of ways to make a difference out there, so I will be busy for quite a while. I WILL BE OKAY.

One final note, in case you read this Madison.......

I just want you to know how much I love you, how proud I am of the woman you have become, and how excited I am to get to see you take on your own life. You will do amazing and will continue to be an amazing person. That is all I have ever asked of you. Oh, and please understand I will take incredible care of myself because the thought of you stressing over me, or worrying about my future hurts enough to ensure I will always try my hardest. I will still make my occasional stupid decisions, and sometimes be riskier than I should, but that is just who I am. Once again. Go make a difference, and

I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH:)

Political Burnout as it relates to me!

I have always known that I have issues with morality. I dabble with the moral line as a matter of survival and as a matter of personal justification. Neither of these are right, but I know that it is paramount for survival in my business. I own a convenience store and have for 18 years. I have endless strikes against me, and will someday really go into it. However, right now I do not have that option. I am competing in an incredibly crooked market up against a very morally challenged industry. As with everything in life though, IT IS WHAT IT IS!

Recently a store in North Portland was busted for exchanging the EBT card(food stamps) for 50% on the dollar. In other words to sum it up for everyone, the government would give Joe Blow, lets say $200 in benefits to feed his family with on a debit card. Joe would then walk into the store, give the owner the card and the owner would give Joe $100 cash. Joe then gets to buy WHATEVER he wants, more often than not...drugs. Thank you government that is very generous.

This is EXTREMELY common in downtown Portland. Almost to the point where stores are losing sales to these customers if they don't give them this offer.

I do not take this card, therefore in theory I am not affected. However, when I listen to my girls high school taking Calculus class from 22 students to forty and cutting classes, all I can think is where this money went. It sickens me immensely. I firmly believe education is the only way to a brighter future as a nation. Unfortunately it is the easiest thing to cut. I truly wish the government would tighten the screws and have a few more checks and balances. The economic downfall due to this fraud is endless. Oh well, I just needed to vent for a minute and hopefully read a few more of these stories. My guess is all the stores will just hang low for a little bit and cover their ass a little better. Like I said, It is what it is!

http://www.koinlocal6.com/news/local/story/Four-more-arrested-in-North-Portland-food-stamp/qbryxPLXx0q4P3_kCloZKg.cspx

Relationships

Yeah this should be a fun one to write. I am not sure how to go about writing this without incriminating myself. Fortunately I am pretty much over appeasing society. With this in mind I will begin with the short preamble...I SUCK! Okay now that I got it out of the way I can share a few thoughts. First of all, I thoroughly enjoy being alone. The problem is I enjoy being with women more. It shouldn't be a problem but somehow it is. I will chalk the majority of my failures in relationships to simply making bad decisions in the first place. More often than not, I think I am thinking with the wrong part of my body(poor attempt at political correctness). I think I try to make relationships work that were simply doomed from the get go. I walk away in the end with two broken hearts(only one this last time) and a little more insight to who I am. My problem for the most part is I simply care way too much. Silly as it is, I know it is the truth. I am pretty frigging good at balancing numerous responsibilities. I am learning to let a few go, and simply play the game. You see this is a word I fucking hate. I play tennis, that is a game. Relationships should not be a game. However, in todays society, it is a game. There are way too may rules to this game, too many players off the field, that somehow still have a say in the game, and my biggest problem, is I do not understand the rules. For the most part I am just rambling about my stupidity. My ability to choose incorrectly, and stick around too long is totally embarassing. My last relationship ended with the girl stealing and cashing a check from me. This is on the same day she asked me to print out a bunch of photos from my daughters graduation, so she could make a montage for her to have in her dorm room. See, this is where I am a complete ass. I am thankful I never told my daughter about this montage, because then not only would I be hurt, but she would as well.
Never does a day go by that a girl is not complaining about something her boyfriend did to her. I listen all day long. The funny part I listen, I console, and at the end of the conversation I know one thing for sure...He is going to be with her at the end of the day reguardless. Really, is that the trick. Who knows, the sad part is I am who I am, I have an amazing life, I just do not understand who made the damn rules. Oh well, it is what it is... I guess I will just read a few blogs, pay some bills, and go to bed knowing I am a good person. That is worth something to me, at least!!!!

The essense of time!

Well, always I fight endlessly with whether to write or not. I fight with the thoughts of listening to something I say getting thrown in my face. I fight with the idea that I might verbally hurt someone I love on here. I fight with whether anything I say or do makes a difference in this world. With all these thoughts going through my head I came up with the answer. Fuck yeah, I am going to write. I am going to bare my soul to the masses(probably really only 2 or 3 people) lol. The fact remains writing is my outlet. It is what gives me an internal sense of pride and helps keep me sane. If anyone cares to know what got me started again, it is two reasons.
First of all, a dear friend with whom I rarely interact(Loree) gave me a look at the window that told me everything I need to see. I briefly felt disconnected from what I love. Between Facebook and texting and a few other outlets I felt I was still in touch with society. BULLSHIT!
I lost that in which is dear to me. Intellectual stimulation. I get that from reading others blogs and being apart of a few lives that otherwise I will never have known. I remember it well from the Myspace days, and miss it.
Reason number two is the fact that my daughter goes off to college in a few months. I will have a lot more time and that scares me. Keeping up with writing is probably a lot better than whatever else I might of chosen. With all the evils or possibilities of getting myself in trouble in this world, I want to stick with the safest route. I will probably still hit a few strip clubs and flirt with the proverbial legal lines of society, but there will never be a victim(other than myself). So as a warning to anyone who reads this, I mean no harm or ill will to anyone. I am just trying to expand the intellectual boundries I long ago placed upon myself. To a bright new existance. CHEERS

Counting down the days!!!

There are moments in your life that you knew were bound to happen. Some we look forward to, others we dread. I am still not sure how I feel about my newly found date. September 18, 2011. In ways it will be the best day of my life, and in ways the pain will be beyond bearable inside. Those who know me very well know this date, those who kind of know me, easily figured it out, and those who simply read my blogs but don't know me to well are probably wondering. Well here goes.
This is the date my daughter moves onto campus. She will be living in Wilson Hall at Oregon State University. She got her first choice. This floor is equipped with the Engineering study hall and had everything she wanted. She plans on majoring in Ecological Engineering which suites her very well. Obviously I could not be more proud of my daughter for the woman she has become. She is my life, will always be my life, and owns 99% of my heart. The thought of seeing her any less than half the month absolutly kills me. The fact that I can not type this without tears rolling down my eyes scares me tremendously. I have enjoyed running circles for the last 18 years making sure her life was as good as I could make it. She has always shown appreciation, and never once in my life have I felt she has taken advantage of my generosity. There is not another human I can say the same for.
I am super excited to watch her take on the world, and am confident that I will not be forgotten by her, and know that she understands I will always do my best to help her. At the same time I understand she has a life to live, and I will not interfere with her decisions. I will pray that my teachings have lead to a good decision making process.
Where I worry is about myself not her. You see, I enjoy busting my ass to make others lives better. Unfortunatly, I often feel it becomes expected and underappreciated. It is and will always be my relationship killer. I should not care so much, but I do.
My problem is categorizing my needs. Sex, physical activities, intellectual conversations..those are all a dime a dozen. Anytime I want them they are available. However, finding someone who works at making the world a better place, shares equally in duties, and understands who I am. That is a little harder. I know I am different. I know I am against the grain of society, and most of all I know my heart is rock solid. My heart is my life..I listen to it no matter what, and that will never change.
Okay enough rambling, it is all off my chest, my life will go on, and I will continue to bust my ass to make others lives better. My only question is where will the energy now be directed after September 18, 2011.

I know you don't read these, but if you ever do, I want you to understand just how much I love you. Madison, there are no words to describe my feelings, I just want you to know how proud I am of you, and who you have become. I will love you always!!

DAD

My wish List!

I debated writing tonight, because I already wrote a little on Facebook for my business, and I wrote a lengthy letter to a friend who needed a little encouragement. I really feel no huge need to write about anything except the current "grievance" I filed as a coach in tennis against a player who I consider "crossed" the proverbial line. In life we all walk the fine line from time to time, however, he flat out crossed it, then stamped his mark on the other side. I will not go into details because it would bore the living heck out of anyone who reads this(unless you are in my league). Enough of that. Instead I decided to write my short term wish list for society and for myself. The following list are things that I wish for in my life, some are tangible items, some are more goal oriented and others are flat out fantasies. However, all would bring an extrra ounce of joy to me. 1. I need another Prince Speedport Black longbody tennis racket. Prince discontinued it, but I really liked it. 2. I would love to see my daughter less buried in homework and more buried in enjoying her senior year, 3. I would love to have a little extra money to tighten the security for my business. 4. I would love to see the government stop giving away so much money to undeserving people. 5. I would love for the rain to go away for two weeks so my daughter could make up all her tennis teams matches. 6. I would love to see less geocaches being published in and around Gresham, and more actually maintained. 7. I would love to be caught up in paperwork. 8. I would love to know deep down inside that more people are positively affected by my words, than people who simply use me for the ability to continue not being responsible. 9. I would love to have more deeper conversations around a fire and a few beers with a wider variety of people. 10. I would love to see more parents focus on their children and less on themselves. 11. I would love to spend a day in a coffee shop and just listen to people talk about life, and not have to have any responsibilities for the day. 12. I would love to spend a day hiking in the morning, eating in the afternoon, and relaxing by a fire all night..............without a phone!!! 13. I would love to see Video Poker outlawed in the State of Oregon! 14. I would love to spend a day exchanging massages, eating, napping by a fire, and watching a showtime or HBO series. FROM SUN UP to SUNDOWN...then sleep all night 15. I would love to get a group of people together to clean all the side streets in Gresham. Pick up the trash and cut all the intrusive berry vines. 16. I would love to go to the coast and walk as far as I could along the coastline until I was to tired to walk anymore and stay the night wherever I finished. 17. I would love to watch my daughter play a set of tennis in singles and pull off a huge upset. 18. I would love to write knowing there were no repercussions down the road for words I said. 19. I would love to work open to close one day at my store and not get asked to loan someone money. 20. Finally, I would like to thank a certain someone for unconciously convincing me to start back writing. Her words are the only ones I have read in a long time that convey what I feel this experience should be like. I never cared if I had 1 million views or 1 view, however, I do wish to feel someone either is gaining something from my words, or has words that convey something to me. You do a great job at managing my virtual world. We as humans all have our lives, we cross different planes, some physical, some emotional, and some through words. Thank You, you know who you are!!!!!

Dark and Deep!!!!

So I personally feel most people have something that really bothers them deep down. Some go to counseling, some bury it deep, and some just go postal. One of my big "issues" in life is one that I pretty much just buried. It mentally surfaces often, however, it really doesn't affect my outlook on things much anymore. I have dealt with it, I have accepted it for the most part, and I have learned tremendously from it. I hate retelling a story, but I must for the sake of myself. Life is full of what if's and always will be. I apologize in advance for perhaps getting a little dark here, but as always this is my outlet. Years ago when I was in junior high school, I came home from school one day and found that my house was broken into and only my stuff was stolen. I was all alone and as realization kicked in as to who it was the pain began. My best friend from Kindergarten to seventh grade had moved to Alaska, and proceeded to start doing drugs. He came back to California, hung around my neighborhood for a bit, then broke into a few of the houses on the streets. This including stealing Christmas presents. I was in total disbelief that he could of done this to me. Everyone else seemed plausible, but not to his best friend. I never saw him again. Over the years I have googled him endlessly waiting to see something hardcore happen to him. I envisioned jail for armed robbery, or something of that nature. Growing up he had a father who, to put it politely, was not a very nice man. I used to get sent home by his mother when he came home drunk because she knew the violence would soon begin. I always felt he never had a fair shot at a good life, but at the same time, I never thought I would be a victim because of it. As time when on in life, I processed this event in different ways. I came to accept it as my learning of the true demon that drugs can be. I believe they lead to irrational behavior, immoral decisions, and worst of all, a deterioration of both ones brain and soul. I have come to be thankful at times for this event, and at times I have been bitter for the lack of trust in mankind because of it. Either way I always wondered deep down how I would feel if I ever crossed his path again. Well a few weeks ago, almost 30 years later I get home and find a friend request on Facebook from him. I think of what to do for a short while, and decided to accept. We chat for a while about how our lives have been for a night and nothing since. I never said anything about the event. It is possible he has no clue I even know, it is possible he doesn't even remember it because he was so drugged out, and it is possible it has been on his conscious for years and he was "feeling me out" to see if any anomosity was there. You see at this point there is no reason to address it. The damage is done, the property is long gone, and nothing he could say or do would change anything. At times I have wanted to thank him, and at times I have wanted the pleasure of knowing karma bit him in the rear. However, at this time, I am going to stick with the following statement. Life is filled with amazingly pleasurable moments, and life is filled with absolutely painful moments. It is how we process each of these that defines who we are. As the years have gone by, I have had a gun pressed into my neck in an armed robbery, I have had knives pulled on me twice, I have had a clerk murdered, and endless smaller yet painful events. At the same time I was married to a wonderful woman for a while, I have an amazing daughter, and I have been blessed with an incredible pair of genes. I have an amazing life, I am surrounded by wonderful people, and more than anything I understand that no matter what happens to me, this world has a lot of people, especially my daughter, whom I can bring joy to their lives. For me to dwell on any one event, or for me to give up on society would be a true shame...Something I consider far more detrimental than any one little break-in!!!!!

Today as a reference to the future

Today is Sunday which represents the end of my weekend. For the most part I don't care whether it is a weekday or a weekend. The main difference in my eyes is I don't have to worry about my bank balance or what checks will clear. You see on the weekends the business world gets to take a fiscal time out. However, when Monday rolls back around all the transactions will catch back up. Silly way to look at it, but it long ago became my world. My business life is very routine, my weekend life is very carefree. Today was a great example of that.
After spending about an hour at urgent care with my daughter, we went to pick up her best friend. While on our way there, a new geocache popped up about 5 miles away. I figured we might have a good shot at being the first to it considering it was up in the hills away from the metro area. We picked her up and went on our way. I enjoy the rush of hoping to be the first considering there are hundreds of locals all fighting for the same coveted first to find. On our way my daughter tells me it is .6 miles southeast from where we are at. She is the navigator, I am at the wheel. While traveling faster than I should I take a right turn and start to head west. I realize my mistake pretty quicklike and whip a u-turn to get back on track. The thought now occurs, what if that brief mistake was just enough to allow someone else to get the coveted first to find. I can only hope and continue to backtrack. We finally arrive at ground zero, only to see an older couple already looking for it. Darn, they got a great head start. I blew it.
So we got out of the car and begin searching the same area knowing that is where it had to be. We searched as a group for quite a while, two of them and three of us. This continued for about 10 minutes when all of a sudden my daughters friend yells out, " I found it!" Wow, we got the first to find after all. I could not ask for a better scenario.
Often I fight with my role as a parent. The right move was to probably take the two kids home to start their study time and skip trying to be the first to find. Unfortunately, I firmly believe todays kids need a break from the everyday stresses to maintain sanity. I feel good about my decision, and also think both girls will remember this day for quite a while. Who really knows which decision was right. The one thing I do know, is I find myself becoming more selfish in the making memories departments with my kid and her friends because I know when they go off to college in a few months these will become few and far between. I just wanted to say I had an absolutely wonderful day with both of them, and hope they always remember this.

Catching up and starting over (I suppose)

So, I decided to start writing again. I know, who really cares. I stopped for a few reasons. First of all, it was used against me in my last relationship. Perhaps by words not being on paper, they are easier to consider the past. However, when they are logged into a permanant blog they are no longer history. They are forever attached to you. Fair enough, I never really thought about it, and never cared enough to worry about future ramifications. Unfortunately in todays world, people seem inclined to use the internet to dig up any information possible to make someone appear less desirable. If anyone has read my stuff, it is safe to say I fall way down the list on parents lists for a possible mate for their kid. OH WELL. life will go on.
Seeing as to how I had blogs on numerous sites, I wasn't sure where to start. I don't care for a following, it makes no difference if anyone ever reads it or not, and the true fact of the matter is is gives me a sense of inner peace that is found nowhere else other than a tennis court perhaps.
So I begin. I don't even know where to start other than the fact that I know I will have blogs for quite a while. One of the main reasons I started was due to reading the blogs of one of my customers. She knows who she is and I consider her to be a great writer, mother, and human being. The sad part of this statement is I don't know many people who fulfill all three of those traits. Well her deep thoughts made me realize what I gave up for no good reason. We all have areas in our life that we will forever fight with. Mine is my value system. I can deal with a lot of crap. I can look past some seriously gnarley flaws, but there is one thing I can not stand, and this appears to be my achilles heel. Parenting.....simple enough there is no thing on this planet more important or sacred to me. I am nearing the end of my daughters childhood and bracing myself for her to go off to college.
My girl was accepted to Oregon State University and will be attending the College of Engineering(fancy term for higher tuition). She plans on majoring in Ecological Engineering and living on campus in the dorms. I am forever proud of all of her accomplishments despite being diabetic since 6 years old, having divorced parents, and having a father who does not set the best examples. I raised her with the do as I say, not as I do mentality. It isn't the best, but when combined with an neverending dedication to be there every time she needed me, I think she will be okay in life. It is not her I worry about, it is myself.
I live with a sense of inner peace acquired from keeping things to myself. Somehow this works. Too often society frowns upon, or requires explanations for my strange ways. On a daily basis I meditate, pick up litter on the side of the road, and do a few other things that I feel benefit society as a whole. It has to be about giving back to the world, whether through your child, nature or others. When my girl leaves to college, I feel my parenting job isn't even close to being done. I will still be there when needed, however, the distance will be a lot further. I am both excited for her, and scared for myself. I will write more, help others more, probably play more tennis, but most importantly, I will learn try to maintain my soul. Possibly for the first time in my life, I felt it crumble these last few years, and I have some rebuilding to do. Bear with me whoever reads this, and know that no matter what I say........I always mean well.
Peace to a new beginning!!
Rudd

New link for blog and website

My new Website is up and running, however is is still in the infancy stages so please be patient!
The link is as follows:

www.hiltonshaven.com


Please refrain from laughing, joking, prodding, or any other juvenile tactic as it is not even scratched the surfaces yet. And yes I realize it CURRENTLY looks very GAY!!!!!

Today: There will be no title!!!!

Today I am going to do my absolute favorite type of blog. This is the one where I don't have any point, rant, message or anything else other than a few random thoughts. First of all, and by far the absolute most important thought of them all, my daughter graduated from 8th grade yesterday. She received special recognition with a select few other kids for earning straight A's throughout Middle school. There truly is no way for me to emphasize just how proud I am of her as a person, but anyone who knows me, understands. She truly is a special person. Perhaps I may be biased, but you really don't see many kids like her. The only kid I have met who impresses me as much is Vantage Kings and Marlboro Lt. 100's in a boxes daughter.(names withheld for privacy.) I am very excited about her starting high school, however I feel I just aged 10 years everytime I tell someone my girl is now in high school. Perhaps getting old is one of the saddest things in life, however, there has not been a more beautiful event than watching my daughter grow up. We have a lot of fun plans for this summer, as I want to make it extra special for her before she starts a whole new journey in life.
The other important event for me(tiny in comparison) starts tomorrow evening. The tennis team I coach and play on won our division for the FOURTH straight year, and have our first round playoff match tomorrow night at the MAC club downtown. 26 teams were narrowed down to 8 with only one team advancing to the Pacifac Northwest Championships. To get there we have to win three straight matches without a loss. We did it last year for the first time in the clubs history , however our team is not as strong this year. Luck was not on our side this year. Two weeks ago a key player tore a muscle in his calf and will miss the playoffs. Also a couple of players are out of town(or country for that matter). Either way we will fight our hardest, as that is who we are.
One last thought, name withheld for privacy, but anyone who is anyone will figure this out. One of my employees and dear friend has reentered the technological world, and is learning so much in a short amount of time. It's so good to see as it really is a vital part of the world we now live in. While living life with our blinders on we constantly miss important facets. Both of us are guilty of that in different ways. As we get older life becomes harder and harder to comprehend. Whether it is trends, society, technology, or the world in general, we seem to fall behind rather quickly. The internet is quite possibly the easiest tool for maintaining some sort of understanding. Thank you for reopening this, and I will do the same with the cave I have been living in.
However, I do have to include one teeny small rant to my customers. PLEASE PUT DOWN YOUR FUCKING CELL PHONES WHEN YOU PULL UP TO MY WINDOW. AS GAY AS THIS WILL SOUND NOT ONLY IS IT RUDE, BUT YOU DENIED ME THE POSSIBILITY OF A NICE CONVERSATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MY BLOG!

First of all, this is my fucking blog, as simple as that. I understand that, and realize, as with life in general, it is very difficult to appease everyone with anything you do. My agenda for what this is suppose to accomplish has changed constantly since it first began for a variety of reasons.
Not one of them is actually legitimate because I lost touch with the fact that THIS IS MY FUCKING BLOG, and I will write in it what I damn well please. I attempted to appease the masses and as always someone comes along and rips it to shreds because they feel it is not what I should be putting out. Should I give a rats ass, not at all. Do I care, yes for some unknown, illogical reason, I do. Perhaps this has been my downfall in life in general. I think I care way too often. The simple response to any mistake a person makes that affects you, is to tell them to eff themselves and make sure they know how pissed off you are. I have always had endless amounts of hatred running through my head for which I have no right to be bothered by.
It pisses me off to watch some 19 year old punk tatted up with his pants around his waist and hat turned sideways with a hot chick. If it worked out fine, but almost always the girl ends up bitching about how he cheated on her, or left her alone to go hang with his possee. I have to respect the guy for playing the game so well, it's just the game itself that I hate. I hate the fact that I work my ass off to manage numerous responsibilities. I own my own business, raise a daughter 50/50, play endless tennis tournaments, and coach a men's tennis team. At the same time it's really tough listening to people criticize what I don't keep up with. I realize my store could be better stocked, cleaner, more organized etc., my tennis team lost two matches this year, which to me is unacceptable, I haven't won a tournament in over a year, and my daughter
is quickly developing some of my bad habits. While I wish and strive to achieve a perfection, I just wish people would look at what they have on their plate before they open up criticisms. Many people in this world take on way more than I could ever fathom, and many others have it pretty fucking easy. I love my life, I'm dedicated to my world, and I will always do my best to help others as much as I can, however, sadly I realize you can please some of the people some of the time, and others you just have to learn to tell them to go EFF themselves.

NO RHYME OR REASON!

I realize I write generally in the same style, using the same words, perhaps even paraphrasing the same general thoughts over and over again. Perhaps this is because I kind of see life the same way. The number of times the same events repeat themselves is actually scary. I played in a tennis tournament this weekend and while waiting for my match to start, a leading sports equipment company set up a demo down on one of the courts giving away free items. One contest is where they set up a small cone directly inside the T of a servers box and give a prize to the first person who can hit it. After waiting in line I served and nailed it with a radar clocked serve of 90mph on my first try. Everyone cheered and I got my prize. A brand new t-shirt. Exactly 20 years ago I did the same thing only without radar and I won a racket that time. The coincidence actually bothered me because it showed just how much some things never change. The other thing which is also a general trend of society is you don't get nearly what you used to anywhere. Back to my writing style which is the original idea of this blog before I so rudely veered off track. I have never had any style regarding fashion or anything in life. I am generally a very plain, boring, ordinary, average, JOE SCHMO, whose head is filled with bizarre thoughts and for the most part they just rot there until I feel like letting something squeek out into mainstream society. Most people don't understand me, most don't know me, and very few are ever lucky enough to experience who I am. Off hand the only person I know who consistantly gets me is my daughter. She is truly an amazing person, and I can't imagine the thought of her never knowing what I really am about. I just wish there were about ten more of her in my life. Some people see glimpses, some see episodes, many share brief moments only never to cross that path again, but so far only her knows me for who I am. It saddens me at times, especially when I am alone. Dammit I digressed again...Perhaps it's not my writing style, it's my head. I suppose I could attempt to write in an alternative genre causing solitude for only a select few individuals sustaining enough internal composition to comprehend the magnitude of the ever expanding mind, but by doing this I quite possibly could see a drastic reduction in people willing to delve deep enough to explore my other side. Most likely this sentence would never even be read, and I would continue to project this verbal assault at and only at my daughter. Perhaps the analyzation of my writings would greatly diminish causing an increased likelihood of them becoming more prevalent on the web. Perhaps and most likely correct, I'd continue like I always have...with no rhyme and no reason!!!!!

Advice? WHY ME?

I really have been in a funk for a while now. My mind has been out of control with a very large number of small tasks that need to be taken care of. I am not sure why I have been so inefficient when it comes to taking care of them. I truly need to spend one week and just take care of everything. I spent the evening alone debating whether to be productive or just relax and enjoy the peace and quiet. I decided to watch a back episode of Nip/Tuck, possibly one of the most thought provoking shows I've seen in a while. I just finished the second season and thoroughy enjoyed it. So often the plots parallel my inner challenges with myself as a person.
While I am usually bombarded with compliments and positive reinforcements as to who I am, I virtually finish every night thinking I could be doing so much more in this world. I have my priorities, and I don't seem to stray too far from them, but I know I need to expand my horizons a bit. One of my favorite customers put it best with, " If you want the guacamole, then you have to dip your chips." I thank her for that, and in due time I will break out of my shell, and live life a little more. This leads me to talk about a couple of themes I've been bombarded with lately.
Having been in the same area for a while I have watched many relationships grow and fail at the same time. Recently an ex employee told me "IT IS OVER" with her husband, not a day goes by that I don't hear a man or woman complain excessively about there spouse, often with offers or words that would immediately end the marriage. Somehow I have ended up with the title of the go to guy to vent about how crappy the womans husband is. I haven't quite figured out if I offer great advice, if I somehow remind them how good they really do have it after realizing their husband could be sitting on a stool working at a convenience store talking to other woman all day, or perhaps I am suppose to play the middle man and creatively relay the message in a better way to their husband when he comes by later for his beer. As with every conversation I have at the window, I like to assume or at least pretend that my opinion truly does count. I could not imagine it if nobady gave a damn about what I had to say. One last dumb note pertaining to me giving relationship advice. This is coming from someone who failed at his own marriage. However, today would have been 15 years, so at least it is longer than most out there.

I have no Effing Clue!

I realize it has been a really long time since I wrote my last blog, and I really thought I would be better about that. I would love to throw out a whole list of excuses, but it still leaves the last month and a half pages blank. However, I will throw a few thoughts out regarding this. First of all, I am really confused as to what this is supposed to be about. My initial intention was too futher communicate to all the store peoples my various rants and thoughts in general. Somehow I branched off quite a bit making it far more personal than I intended. My general audience is very spread out from relatives to customers, to people googling certain words and continuing to read it after discovering it. I realize so much of what I write only interests a certain segment of readers, so I tried to mix it up. Then I found it hard to write about certain things because I knew what emotion it would bring out to the wrong person. Everyone seems to arrive at their own interpretation or desire to believe what it was I was really saying. Sadly, and I realize it is all my fault, this led to a constant procrastination. For this reason, I am only going to write what I want to write and I'll just hear out the comments and live with it. As I get older and possibly more jaded by society I discover myself caring less and less about others opinions concerning how I lead my life.
I am real aware that for the most part I am considered your proverbial nice guy. I have always gone out of my way to make others lives more comfortable doing so in a manner which minimizes what I did. I don't want or care for recognition, I only really want the knowledge in my mind that what I did or have done made a difference in that persons life. Whether they realize it or anyone else ever does really doesn't matter.
Part of the reason I have become jaded at the integrity, morals, and general nature of mankind is what I see and deal with on a daily basis. Don't get me wrong, I truly love my world. It's how others behave in my world that upsets me. Watching what society gets away with on a daily basis sickens me. Knowing how I live my life makes me a "better person," yet seeing the results of everyone else making their own rules and living the high life because of it gets real old.
Certain sayings scream in my ears all day long and will until the day I day. "Nice guys finish last" has to be the most painful of them all. So often I wish I could just break free of my paranoia of setting a bad example for my daughter or having my actions adversely affect others lives.
I hate understanding how the game is played, but not being willing to play it myself... I often live vicariously through others, sharing their excitement listening to the intense stories, and then finish my night sorting coupons, or doing paperwork or something pretty darn mundane.
Now that I have that off my chest I will say a few thank you's for some jestures of the past month. Names ommitted but it somehow always seems to get back to them. Many acts are actually by the same people but I will list them separately to psychologically lead myself to believe the acts are virtually endless..
I truly appreciate it when someone brings me breakfast sandwiches from McDonalds. Easily that tops my list for kindness. I appreciate all who bring back empty packs of cigs for my ceiling, I am thankful for the many girls who upheld the tradition of Mardi Gras. Especially Coors light 12 pak can girl(name withheld for respect), I appreciate the lady who actually picked up her cigarette off the ground after I told her how classy that is. I know it would have been easier to drive off with an attitude. I appreciate those who take a minute to tell me about their life or something that happened recently. I think I appreciate the girl who keeps telling me she left a Christmas present for me at home and swears she will bring it next time(unfortunately I forgave my right to an opinion on procrastination after going over a month without writing.)
I appreciate patience dearly. I know I can talk longer than I should to certain people, and it really hurts to be the car behind them. I think, all in all, my greatest appreciation will come from those who understand what my store really is about. I see it, I realize it, and most of all it makes all I do so much easier.
Last thought on this blog will be a little darker. I never have understood how certain occupatons ever find employees. Morticians, hazmat clean-up crew, crime scene clean-up, etc.
However, I really have it easy when it comes to what I do. Recently while cleaning up blood from an incident at the store I realized a few sad thoughts. One it no longer fazes me. It really now feels the same as a coffee spill. Two it's a lot easier cleaning blood from someone you don't know than from an employees, and three no matter how much you clean it up, you always find some you missed later on. Anyway I think I will end on that note. As always I have to be up in a few hours.

Don't Ask!!!!!

Not more than two minutes ago, I was helping my daughter with her algebra homework. As I sat there I found myself wiggling trying to find something else I could do while she applied what I had explained to her. I am not sure why I have such a hard time staying focused or sitting still
without actually doing something. I realized what a perfect time to write my blog. Usually I do it at 11:00pm or later after she has gone to bed, but I realized how perfect this could work out. You see my girl has the same problem I do. STAYING FOCUSED. This is the ultimate in multi-tasking as I can stop at anytime to help her without any repercussions. My computer will not shut itself down, or time itself out and she is right next to me the whole time, so I can make sure she stays on track as well. I just need to figure out a way to hold conversations in the drive through window while stocking the cooler and sweeping the parking lot at the same time. Believe me I have tried. I usually have four or five projects going at the same time. Unfortunately I rarely give any one the true attention it deserves. However when it comes to holding conversations at the window I do my best to make it as pleasurable as possible for both parties. However, I realize there are two areas where I need a lot of work. For the men out there, please refrain from any conversation relating to cars, especially when it comes to rebuilding them. I can fill my gas tank, and change my oil(if I felt like it) and that is about it. After that I am simply nodding while thinking I hope to God his wife doesn't have to listen to this all the time because I suffered immensely for the two minutes I had to hear it. I can only imagine what she is going through, and for the women, I can and will talk about absolutely anything you want. However, if you are looking for sympathy or understanding please don't tell me about the boyfriend who is beating you, or getting drunk every night, or sleeping with the whole damn neighborhood, or whatever he is doing because I know that deep down that is the excitement you are looking for. If Prince charming came along and gave you the world on a silver platter, you would create drama solely for the thrill. While I am not bitter at the fact that this is true, I am upset that I don't have the guts to play that game. It's tough to watch, but even tougher to accept.
While the vast majority of you probably don't know who this is, New York Times best selling author Tucker Max actually wrote a book emphasizing this. While he both made himself rich and a social icon of sorts, he managed it completely at the womans expense. You have to laugh, but at the same time it really is sorta sad.

My Friend's

Sometimes I have the urge to write something I know I will I will be taking some flack for. This one will definitely lead to a series of comments about who I am. Fortunately I could care less deep down how I am perceived.
Every morning without fail(except during major storms) I have a group of friends that come visit me at the store. These friends mostly visit me because I provide them with a steady flow of goods to help their existance. While they by no means would not be able to survive without me, I definitely make their lives easier. I do this with the help of a major corporation, Frito-Lay.
Sometimes the generosity of these corporations leads to better lives for everyone. Usually out of code chips are thrown away for liability purposes, however I have saved these bags to help my friends in need. I am 100% sure they would never sue FritoLay and deep down I know it's the right thing to do. My friends come to me knowing I will take care of them, however there is always one who stays behind just to make sure the others are okay. I never have found out any of their names, and would have to queston my insanity if it really made a difference. They have come to represent a sort of beginning to my day. They are my caffeine. My day is just not the same if they don't stop by to visit me. They represent another small piece in the life of Hilton's Haven. I decided to take a few pictures of them to put up on my blog figuring there is no way they can complain considering what I give them religiously every day. However, I felt it right to take their pictures while they weren't paying attention so as to not offend them or make them feel uncomfortable. This guaranteed the most natural positions possible. Once a camera is on us, it is very hard to act the same. These photos are for posterity as there is always the possibility another store might offer them something more appealing. As with all "customers" I will do my best to make their lives a little better. Whether they appreciate it enough to stick around is their choice. I know there are more photos than necessary, but these guys really do deserve the recognition. Loyalty is one of my favorite traits. Thanks guys, and see you in seven hours. We are having bbq fritos for breakfast tomorrow. And I apologize for the photo of you eating, I know that is very rude of me!!!!!!!




I am a little offended by the last picture. It almost feels as if they were holding out on coming down until I give them something better. They are very well fed. I am sure they were just keeping an eye on the store for me. Actually that is where they go whenever a car pulls up to their breakfast table.

Crazy days of Winter

Well considering it has been over a month since I last wrote, I should have a lot to write about.
I DO. First of all, this last storm we just had really messed up the roads and lifestyle of many people. I enjoy my Mustang most of the time, but it does not handle worth a damn on snow and ice. It definitely hinders your ability to just relax and drive wherever. The number of appointments, and errands skipped because of it really sets things out of whack. On the otherhand, I don't think anything is more magical than seeing snow fall out of the sky.
I played in one of the tougher tennis tournaments in the Pacifac northwest and got my butt kicked royally in both singles and doubles. I won a total of six games between the four sets. To put that in perspective I won a game for every 40 miles I drove to play in it. However, besides playing indoors in 30 degree weather, I loved every minute of it. My lungs burned for about four days afterwards. The best part was watching the University of Oregons players play and get knocked out one by one with their #1 player losing in the finals to a 39 year old ex professional player who still has an amazing game. Although I am not even close to their level, I enjoy and appreciate the talent they possess.
My daughter got two pet rats for Christmas, and really enjoys playing with them. It's fun to watch her enthusiasm when it comes to playing and taking care of them. She does a very good job of taking care of all the pets at both houses. The only thing she gets more excited about is when she doesn't have to run the 1600 at school for weather reasons.
Boring but irritating subject. Contract negotiations have been going on for over a week between my store, RJ Reynolds, and Philip Morris. It is now close to physically impossible to please all three. RJ is starting to get a little big for their britches, P.M. is raising the stakes big time to keep RJ down, and I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. Feb. 1 is when the official contract is available for RJ and I am nervous is won't be good enough to not go higher with P.M. My tough part is I have built an amazing relationship with the Rj rep afters years of hatred for their company. Business is business, but I don't want it to all end over $$$$.
Oh and by the way everyone brace themselves for another month filled with price changes.
I forgot to write about the beautiful oxymoron thrown out by the state of Oregon. We as a retailer will not be able to sell single stick cigarettes after Jan. 31, due to tax reasons. They have been stressing the importance of health and quitting smoking and at the same time they are now forcing anyone who really needs a smoke to buy a whole pack.
My tennis team starts back up the first week of February. YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
Quite possibly my favorite thing to do. I enjoy the challenge of putting together and coaching a good team. You can see how good you are on paper at the beginning of the year, but you never really know. This year should be our best yet. We have some real talent. Our combined reord the last 3 years is 20wins and 2 losses, winning our division all 3 years. I enjoy knowing we are the team to beat.
One quick rant about the store. My most recent hire has received more complaints than any clerk I have ever hired, mostly surrounding behavior. He is young, learning, and still immature, but he has a good heart and will surprise you if you can get past his initial demeanor. I ask you to look a little harder at this one and I think all will be good. However I do appreciate complaints because I can't solve or attempt to without knowing about it in the first place.
Last thought of the day. Katie you are strike three on the PINKIE SWEAR. I now truly understand. It is just a silly saying, it doesn't actually mean anything. My bad for thinking otherwise.
One truly last thought. I finally secured the Domain name Hiltonshaven.com and will have an incredibly cool, bizarre, twisted, abnormal, borderline questionable, website to convey what HH is really about. The amount of radical ideas that have been frying my brain waiting about three years for this will finally happen. The world will never be the same. At least mine won't. By the way anyone in internet land stay away from Hostingplex.com as they truly suck. I would go into greater detail but I'm trying to keep this somewhat clean, unlike my up and coming website.......
As a forewarning to the world. My mind truly is warped I just have enough sense to confine it to the back of my head, I just felt this would be a good place for my disclaimor statement.
One last last thought... Kudos to Irish Brothers coffee stand on 181st for not only hiring pretty, intelligent, and cool woman, but actually staying open long enough for me to patron them. Class act all the way around.

Tough Planet!

Okay first of all yesterday represented the 5 year anniversary of the day Tom Chase was murdered at my old business. Of any date in this world that is by far the toughest. To make it a little tougher Tom and I had a standing deal of him taking me to a bar to watch Monday Night Football anytime the Rams played(which was usually only once sometimes twice a year.) Well yesterday both coincided making the day very tough for me. There are certain events in everyones lives that can have a dramatic effect on them, and this is probably the one with the most profound effect. I never had the best opinion about society as a whole, but this was sort of the icing on the cake. Often I wander how such evil can be found on our planet, but I quickly force myself to think about all the wonderful people who do make this planet a great place. In the same thought I always ponder how your time can come at any minute, therefore it is probably best to live life to the fullest. I decided to use this time to note a few quick lines about the truly important people in my life. While I could easily write a book for each person I decided to name what they represent the most to me. As a disclaimer, I apologize if I miss anyone, and more importantly I hope I don't offend anyone, because by no means is that my intention. And finally before I start this is a completly random order.
I thank my mom for teaching me the value of taking care of others before yourself. She always worked herself to the bone to provide for my brother and myself. She is by far the most giving person anyone could ever meet in their life. I thank my dad for teaching me the value of integrity and respect. He by far has the strongest set of core values I have ever come across.
I thank my ex-wife Jeannette for being an incredible mother. She has been through an incredible amount of misfortune in her life but has always taken great care of my daughter. I thank Lisa Merkel for providing me with great conversation while immediately calling me on anything she knows I truly think otherwise about. She is one of the few people I know who is completely unbiased about each person in my life. I thank my brother for turning out to be such an incredible person as well as father. While in college I constantly worried that he would not turn out okay. Genetically both him and I were given a near perfect set of genes both physically and mentally. To have wasted those would have been a shame. I always hoped he'd turn out to be good as person as myself, however he eclipsed me a long time ago. Considering how he was as a teenager, he turned into a truly special person. I thank Scott Grider for teaching me at an early age exactly what drugs can do to a person. As sad as it sounds it has made dealing with that side of society much easier. I thank Tom Chase for showing how tough mankind can be.
He was probably the toughest person I have ever met. He had the perfect combination of toughness, morals, and protectiveness you will ever meet. Watching and hearing the female clerks talking about how he handled himself was awe inspiring. I finally understood it when I drove by one night and saw him standing out front of my store smoking a cigarette. I felt like my store was so well protected. After being shot, lying in his pool of blood, his last audible words were "has anyone called Rudd?" I can't imagine anyone else on this planet who would have been more protective of myself. Lastly and by far most important to me is my daughter. I think her for being such a wonderful person. I still have never heard her say a bad word)however she will get a sheepish grin when one comes on in a movie or song.) I thank her for trying so hard in everything she does. She has done incredibly well in school, unlike her father. I thank her for being so polite to everyone around her. I thank her for understanding at times when most kids throw a fit. But most importantly I thank her for just being herself.

She Understands!!!!!!!!!

I have stated many times throughout my blogs and at store level one very important thought.
I try to create a environment that inspires happiness, relaxation, spirit, or whatever it takes to make it a pleasurable experience. While everyone has to be treated different, I only hope I am able to make my customers understand what my store is truly about. Some people do get it while many others never have and never will. There is one woman who I think understands my store better than anyone else. Elizabeth Carson. Between her spirit, nature, and general demeanor, she emulates the true Hilton's Haven experience. This became even more evident today when she handed me the following letter copied here in its exact text.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Note to Make This World A Better Place!
To those of you who can't find anything nice to say:
I recently moved to the Laurelhurst district from Gresham, and still, every day, I drive to Hilton's Haven to get a Rockstar energy drink. After reading the latest posting on the window, I was VERY compelled to write this. If you don't have anything nice to say, Don't say anything at all! There are a plethera of Seven-Elevens and Plaid Pantry's in Gresham and Portland, but yet you choose Hilton's Haven for a reason. For me it's the friendly service and the price. If you want to complain about something, think before you speak: These guys are working hard so that my life is a little better. Why would you want to give them a hard time? Do you want me to come to your work and complain to you? No! so, please let up on them.
Oh, and on a side note: I am a young female feminist, and "rule #5" makes me laugh. Part of feminism is being proud of being a woman and being proud of your body. Think of it this way: my chest has the power to put men in a trance, now go out and use your female power to do what you please. And if you're a guy, just admit you'd want to see a chicks chest if you had the chance! Friend and Supporter of HH's since 2005!
Elizabeth Carson
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I just wanted to say thanks for understanding what my store is about, but more importantly, thank you for being a part of making it what it is. Without people like you, I would never enjoy coming to work each day. You make it all worthwhile!!!!!!!!!!!!!